When the pregnancy test was positive, it was a shock for me. And actually not one you want to be confronted with on your own. How convenient that it is biologically presupposed that two people participate in a pregnancy. How annoying that in a crisis often only one person is left alone.
The insemination probably took place a few days before the separation from my boyfriend, let’s call him X. This made me feel uncomfortable telling him about the pregnancy. As if I had to confess something, that I had committed a crime. As if it was my fault, as if I should have known better, as if I should have prevented it, as if I was doing it to hurt him. But I did nothing, it was already done, by both of us. So I just told him.
His reaction was not very helpful, to say the least. He didn’t know how to react. I do understand that, because I felt the same way. But unlike him, I couldn’t shrug my shoulders to get out of the responsibility.
I quickly pushed away the thought of keeping the child. I was too young, I didn’t feel ready, and from my point of view, little support would have been expected from X.
I soon realized that I will have to carry the organizational, psychological and emotional work that goes along with an abortion all on my own. X offered me generously that he could also come to Bremen if I needed him to. But I declined. Not because I really wouldn’t have wanted or needed it, but because there has been so much reluctance in this offer already, that I felt that it would have meant more of a burden than a relief for me. If he would have said: “Okay, all right, I’m in this as much as you are, we’ll do it together and we’ll manage it. – gladly! But to put myself in a position where I have to demand his “support” first, I am better off relying on myself.
I wanted the abortion to happen quickly, so I isolated myself so much in this process that I didn’t tell anyone around me about the pregnancy until it was terminated.
I quickly had all the information I needed. I first called my gynecologist, then pro familia to arrange the obligatory consultation appointment. And the rest was waiting.
The consultation appointment with profamilia was more pleasant than I thought. My consultant made no attempt to change my mind and accepted my decision immediately. I cried for three quarters of an hour and she explained to me during this time what types of abortion there are, how they work, what they cost, where I can have them done. She was the only person I opened up to at the time and I found the conversation very supporting.
Nevertheless, it makes me angry that adults who are capable of bearing children are not trusted and not even allowed to make the decision to continue a pregnancy without outside help. We are quite capable of making important decisions. Especially since these decisions influence and determine ourselves, our bodies and our lives. And the one-week waiting period after this consultation forces us to persevere in a condition in which really nobody wants to persevere: Pregnant, with a child in the belly, which one does not want to have, which one will not have any longer, but now just this week still must bear and carry around with oneself.
I was able to have the abortion performed directly by my gynecologist, which reassured me a lot. The pain was bad, but thanks to painkillers I could bear it.
In this context I am aware that I am incredibly lucky to live where I live; to have health insurance; to know that medical care is not a problem for me. Pregnancy and related issues were not life-threatening for me, which is not self-evident, because having an uterus is a huge health risk for too many people, which is a terrible injustice.
After the abortion I was not always well. It was never because I regretted the abortion. I still think it is the right decision and I am regularly happy to have made it. The abortion was not a traumatic experience for me.
I would always rely on my own feelings again. I was not ready and I still believe that myself. Parenthood would not have been good for us or the child.
But I would also have done something different than I did: I would make myself less small. I would be less ashamed and I would feel less guilty. I would seek support from people I knew would help me out. It makes me angry and sad that topics around contraception and pregnancy are still so often blamed on women*. That I had the feeling of being solely responsible when I actually wasn’t. That I was left alone at the same time. That although X immediately assured me that he would pay half of the costs, it took several months, several inquiries and even a meeting before he finally transferred the money to me.
I would like to see these issues, decisions and cutbacks carried by both sides. I wish that people without uterus would not behave as if they had nothing to do with reproduction. I wish for solidarity and support, regardless of relationship status or current sympathy. After all, this is not a favor, but a responsibility that has to be taken equally by everyone involved.
